Pinnochio Has No Strings

Cheyenne, WY-Oh mama I'm in fear of my life from the long arm of the law

2009-09-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to spend a night here. Its a cowboy town and I believe in another life I have actually been a gunless Cherokee.
After a restless, cramp-inducing night at wal-Mart I decided to splurge and get a mom and pop motel in downtown Cheyenne. I spied a sign that read, "Ranger Motel, $29.99 and up." The mom and pop that own the Ranger Motel are probably named Pritam and Gurinder, (did I use that line already?). Again I'm shocked at how Indians come all the way to the US and end up in a cowboy town where they are perhaps not so popular.
The smell of curry sucker-punched me as I entered the office. why Indiand dont try another spice is beyond me. I was took a curry dump and watched nearby cat shit get up and walk away.
I said, "Do you have any $29 rooms?"
Pritam responded in his native accent with "Just for you.". I'm sure he uses this line 8 times a night.
I showered and was ready to hit a nearby cowboy bar when Idecided to check my bank balance. The impending Labor day created a withdrawl snafu I han't not anticipated. All the bills set to be paid on Mon were moved up a day because of the holiday, but the $ I'd arranged to cover them wouldn't clear until Tue. I have less than $250 to my name for the next 5 days. I have a 10 hour drive to my next stop, then another 10 hours to my first gig on Monday. I dont have enough $ for food, gas and lodging. Suddenly wal-mart wasn't so bad.
I decided to take inventory. I have;
$249
3/4 tank of gas
1 banana
5 apples
4 bottles of water
lots of booze
The western gas stations haven't caught on to making people pre-pay for gas, so I see a string of drive-offs in my future. The western cops also hasn't caught on to letting petty criminals go while they search for felons so I'm sure if I'm caught I'll hang.
I had a wrestless 5 hour sleep, dreaming of being locked up in a Cheyenne jail, whislting for greased Lightning to bring me the cell door key.
I decided to call my mther and aks her to put $100 in my bank so I can avoid running out of gas in the desert. She put in $200! I'm a mama's boy! Perhaps a low point for a 43 year old man but I can now eat oatmeal and toast, which I did at the Renegade diner and Chinese restaraunt in Rawlins, WY

Cross Country II - Electric Boogaloo

2009-09-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I started my 2nd cross country trip today. I didn't want to do it again but my former managers set up s string of South Dakota roadhouse gigs for me, after I do some work on the west coast. I'm not sure my car wants this trip either. I've put 24,000 miles on it since I bought it on March 29. I have nightmarish visions of Greased Lightning coughing up blood and dying in Assream Montana, on a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair. The only people around are wearing overalls with other people's blood stains in the crotch. I approach a large farmboy who sheepishly hands me a bouquet of sunflowers before "courting" me.

I drove from NYC to Detroit, then to Chicago. I got a late start before hitting I-80, henceforth know as the colon of the west.
I stopped in Des Moine Iowa and tried to do a guest spot but the owner wasn't around and the manager was too fearful to let me on stage. I spoke with John Bush, a comedian that once lived in New York City. The middle act, who's name I forgot, mentioned he sometimes sleeps in Wal-Mart parking lots to save $. They offer overnight parking to RV's and have video cameras to ensure a safe night's sleep for Winnebago white trash. I decided this mightbe a good way to save a few $ and found a Wal -Mart 60 miles west of Des Moine. Nothing makes you feel more alive than to brush your teeth with a bottle of water n a Wal Mart parking lot.
I chose a spot clearly in a camera's view, rolled the seat back and slept,...until 2:00 a.m. That's when the work crew came to replace the "cart corrals". I imagine this is the only work these good ole boys have had in months as they went about replacing the steel corrals with loud glee.
As luck would have it, this is a 24 hour Wal-Mart thus allowing me all the conviences necessary for an early morning poop.

Sterling Heights, MI

2009-07-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

My run of gigs in the Dakotas was thankfully cancelled. Tonight my parents and I went to a nearby bar called Mesquite where we ate, drank and played keno. I'm actually up $20. I rang the bell with every $2 winner I had. I was appalled that I won this time as I always lose. More shockingly, none of us got hammered.

Milwaukee, WI

2009-07-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

I'm staying at the Milwaukee Athetic Club. It's an old hotel and it's quite swanky. I wish more gigs put me up in places like this. Last night I was doing a shitty bar gig in Manitowoc. they put me up in a Super 8 that reeked of mildew. Tonight I worked the big theatre at Potowatamie Casino.

I hung out at a bar called Pitch's just off Brady St. it's one of my fave bars in the country. I always drink Kessler whiskey and ginger ale there in honor of my Grandma Laing. This was her poison. She started drinking them every day at noon. At this time she would say to me. "Tell grandpa the bar is open" and grandpa would serve up the clown juice. whenever she wanted another she'd hand me the glass and say "Tell grandpa, 'refill'". refill was probably one of my first words. Byt the time i was 6 I was making highballs for granny myself. We weren't allowed to drink the Canada Dry ginger ale as it was for highballs only, but as we got older and savvier my brother and I would sneek a sip of the luscious libation. The Kessler whisky never appealed to us, even in our teen years. We just want canada dry- the forbidden ginger ale.

Sault Ste Marie, MI

2009-07-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

My brother alerted me to another Dillinger hide out spot and I found it with the help of an elderly neighbour who remembered which house it was AND Dillnger's friend that was with him. The Kewadin gigs here and in St Ignace went well. StIgnace had only 30 people at the show but S.S.M. had a ton. I hung out and sang karaoke with some people from houghton. I couldn't drink as much as they can.
I took my TRACKER IV! metal detector to an old lumber farm. I found an old piece of barbed wire and some metal tool parts I can't recognize. the latter were found behind the lumber farm buried in a dirt road used my Michigan rednecks as an ATV lane and by bears as a toilet. I got a TON of hits and wanted to stay longer but the legendary Upper Peninsula mosquitoes were feasting on me.
I also went to a "ghost town" which was really just an old train depot. Someone had build a house right next to it and was using it for storage. I wanted to explore it but they had a sign on their front door that had an image of a gun and below it it said "We dont call 911".
I later stopped at an old abandonded house to look around. Pictures coming soon.

Atlantic City, NJ

2009-06-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

I've just worked my way from the west coast to the east coast. I've gathered sand from both coasts as a souvenir.
I hate this town but I'm pleased to have 7 nights of free food and NO driving. Greased Lightning needs a break too.

Manitowash Waters, WI

2009-06-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

My brother Pat is a true crime author. He asks me where I'm at on the road and 14 minutes later has a gangster site for me to visit. Today's site was a lodge called Little Bohemia. Dillinger and his boys had a shoot out with Melvin Purvis and his g-men here. The owners preserved the bullet holes in the windows. They had a display case showing all the stuff Dillinger left behind- an overnight kit, a duffel bag, etc. I took a look around, had Bohemia t-shirt and hit the road. this was without a doubt the coolest thing I've seen yet.

Little Big Horn, MT

2009-06-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

I saw where Custer, his brother and many soldiers were killed at the Little Big horn as there is a stone marking the spot where the soldiers were found. A tour guide told us they have since found evidence of another skirmish. No one really knows what happened here. Thus far my biggest kick on this trip.
I then had to powere-drive to Bismarck, ND to sleep but somehow EVERY room in the town is booked. It must be a convention of meth-heads. It was dead-tired but had to go another 90 minutes to a town with a name I can't recall now. I found a trgic motel with videos to rent but no one was manningthe desk. I spend and extra $25 and got a room with no crack-whores or sex offenders sleeping nearby. I think it was a good move.

I-84, nowhere , OR

2009-06-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was driving along I-84 in Oregon at about 10:00 pm. My gas light was on. I had about 10 miles left.I thought I'd run out of gas and get gang-raped by a group of recent prison escapees. Then I found her!

Kelly and Texaco saved my ass!

Boise, ID

2009-06-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm at a coffee shop downtown listening to a hipster guy in a scarf bore his friends with talk about his "script". He thinks he might want to make it a major motion picture but feels the indy approach is more his speed.

I killed two nights in Portland and Tues here in Boise. The bartender here in Boise is 5'11" has red hair and is hot. I met her here last week. I drank at her bar. She got drunk and flirted with me and the other 7 guys drinking there. I invited her to a show. She didn't show up but came to the club to get me afterward. She again flirted with every guy near her and twice lifter her mini skirt to show me her bare ass, (it's a nice one). We then went to a couple of other bars and made out briefly. She's leaving for the weekend.
I'm glad I'm not driving every day but I'm about to hit the level of loneliness that reulsts in a self-inflicted knife wound to the wrist.

The potentially indy script writer is actually pitching his script to the people with him. I wonder if he knows he's in Boise.

The Oregon Trail, OR

2009-06-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today I actually walked on a piece of the original Oregon Trail! That sort of stuff knocks me out.

Grand Ronde, OR

2009-06-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

I stopped on the Oregon Pacific coast line. A gorgeous place that I can't get enough of. I broke the law and took some sand. My tour is taking me from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic. I'll have sand from both oceans in seperate jars.

The gig tonight was in an Indian casino, in a restaraunt. Most of the 20 people didn't even know there was a show. It was a battle and I was kind of annoyed with the whole thing. A lesbian sporting a classic mullet walked out on me.

On the other hand, I got paid and have a free hotel room for the night. A true blessing as I'm spending WAY more $$ than I'd anticipated. None of these gigs pay on the spot either, they all pay by check which gets mailed to me. I'm moving a lot of cash into my checking account so that I can afford gas and food.

Medford, OR

2009-06-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

If there was ever a town that needed an angry Mount Vesuvius it's Medford. The only saving grace here is a bar built next to a Chinese restaurant, (I can't recall the name of it- Dan's Hideaway maybe). I drank Bud Light-Lime there and got stared at by a Charlie Daniels look-alike. I think Medford is the meth-lab capitol of the country.
The Friday night gig was a nightmare. A toothless woman came in late and sat alone, and procedded to asker me things like, "What do you think of the Federal Reserve?" Then two hillbilly couples came in and started yelling. One of the women came on stage and simulated a lap dance for me. They were so obnoxious they gave me $20 after the show. Then the manager yelled at me about the lap dance. The show on Saturday went well but another freak showed up.

Tulalip, WA

2009-06-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

I've travelled 2,143 miles thus far. I hope my car doesnt die.
This hotel room looks like it was designed by Hugh Hefner's people. It's so swanky I want to fuck it. Nothing lonelier than being by yourself in a room meant for sex. Fortuantely I have youporn.com and the hotel has lotion.
The show was odd. I haven't been on stage in 3 weeks and I had to do 55 minutes in front of a crowd that didn't pay to see the show. They want comics to be squeaky clean here but that's just not me. They also dont allow booze on stage. Thats like asking a doctor not to wash his hands before surgery.
Halfway thru my act I saw a casino management looking type watching me with a bit of a glare on his face. I have a feeling he's the rat that's gonna keep me from coming back. I wasn't "dirty" on stage but I did drop some "F" bombs.
I met a gorgeous, curvy Navaho chick that asked me to pose for a picture. I was hoping to break some treaties with her but it didn't happen.

Boise, ID

2009-06-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

I went on priceline and got a GREAT room for $35- WAHOO! Its a great place to watch the Red Wings lose what I'd hope would be their 2nd straight cup.
I wnet down to the bar asked the tall, saucy red-haired bartender if she'd have the game on. she said she would and then made flirty small talk. I chose to watch the game in my room so that she wouldn't see me in all my Red Wing paraphanelia. I wnt down after the game and she'd been replaced by a jolly man that wanted to talk about alternative music, which he assumed I was into because I'm from NYC.
I also listened to three drunk people pretend they were hysterical. I'm sure they'll got to work tomorrow and say, "That poor bartender, were were SO mean to him! HAHAHAHAHAHA".

Green River, WY

2009-06-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Wyoming rivals Alaska in beauty. I drove through the state in a light rain. I wondered how the rock formations were formed and moments later pulled over to a site that explaned it all, (bottom line- erosion). Gas is a deliciously low $2.39 a gallon, unless you buy it in the boon ies like I did. It was $2.69.
I ate dinner at the Krazy Moose Lounge listening to a 9?11 conspiracy choad bore the 3 other patrons. I drank PBR in a can. They didn't have bottles.
I am at the Coachman Inn. If I were a drug deal, this is where I'd go. If I disappear, this is where they got me.

UPDATE- I took a shower this morning and the shower floor was slimier than a carp.
"Plantars warts, party of 10."
Also, I got a look at the other mom and pop motels on Green River's "strip". I owe the Coahman Inn an apology.

York, NE

2009-06-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

I started my cross-country road trip today. I'm driving from Detroit to Seattle and working my way east to Atlantic city, NJ. My first gig is June 10 at the Tulalip casino north of Seattle.
I stopped at the World Biggest Truck Stop in Iowa for breakfast. I sat at the counter with truckers. If you were there I was the guy in thedisco-white leather jacket.
I am now at the Yorkshire Motel in York, NE. They gave me an "underground" room. It had a window that looked out onto a hole that was dug for sunlight. They were kind enough to paint a mural on the wall of the hole. I asked for another room.
As I sit here typing I realized there was something sticky on the bottom of my right big toe. I washed it off and returned. I just realized another toe on the same foot has something sticky on it. I sit here hoping beyond hope it's syrup from todays continental breakfast thogh I'm certain it's DNA launched from last night's traveller. I guess it was silly of me to hope I'd be the first man to masturbate in this room.
I watched "Harold and Kumar escape Guantanemo Bay". It taught me that weed is king, rascism is bad and fecal matter is the funniest thing ever. I'm considering sueing HBO for my 90 minutes back.

El Paso, TX

2009-06-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have a great hotel room. I've been ssitting naked and unseen on my balcony all week, smoking cigars and watching hockey.

Anchorage, AK

2009-05-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

Anchorage is one of my favorite gigs. Alaskans are insane and everyone there, myself included, drinks too much. Especially considering this is May and their summer lasts about 9 minutes.

I had bad heart palps before last nights show. When the palps kick in, and out, I get faint. They usually kick in, continue for 2 hours then kick out. Last night they started 20 minutess before I hit the stage. they kicked in and out 7 times during my set. I thought I might die. if I have to die in stage, this is the gig to do it at.
Apparently the word "eskimo isn't PC. ative". They prefer the term "NI was tanked one night, turned to a Native and said, "Are you an eskimo, I've never kissed an Eskimo before." (I am clearly a wordsmith). This earned me a little lip service. My friend told me I could have scored some eskimo pie if I'd wanted it I guess I didn't want it bad enough.
I also met a man missing half his left arm and half his right leg. I have no idea how he lives in such a harsh climate sans limbs. He's a better man than I am.

Morgantown, WV II

2009-05-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

The gig in Morgantown went great. I had to do an hour and it flew by.
After the show I spoke with a woman I'll call Carol. She was dressed well and had a nice, plump, (not too plump) figure. She wan't great-looking but attractive enough for road sex while getting divorced.
I asked her to tell me 5 fun-filled fact about herself. She said, "I'm a swinger, that's all you need to know".
For me, sex is like a fly ball. I wont chase it, but if it falls in my lap I'll catch it.
The problem is, I was kinda stymied by her swinger statement and my small talk dried up. She went on to pull out her breasts to show me each nipple was pierced. My improv skills never recovered and I could barely speak. She then checked her cell and left promptly. I struck out.

I DID however catch a classic mullet and surreptitiously snag a photo

I also finally landed this t-shirt which I mentioned in an earlier post;

I think the highlight of the weekend was this classic piss-dribble;

I reeled it in too soon. Keep in mind I'm wearing underwear. This baby goes to my knee. A few drops hit my sock. I need to see a urologist.

Norfolk, CT Infinity theater

2009-04-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

This was a pretty tasty gig. The theater had a green room with tasty food and bevs. WhileI was on stage a bunch of drunk CT redneck chicks were yelling nonsense. After the show one invited me to hang out with them. She even slid a drunken hand across my ass as I was chatting up her friend. I decided I'd prefer a ride back home than a shot an bumpkin-lovin'.

Oswego/Syracuse

2009-04-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

On the way to the thur night gig in Oswego Joe and I stopped at a Wendy's to use the rest room and get a burger. As Joe was washing his hands I opened the bathroom door, saw there were people that could see us and yelled, "I AINT INTO DUDES" and stormed out. Thats was a pretty good joke. Joe and I ate lunch and planned when we cold use it on others.

Joe and I did the thur. night gig in an Econo-lodge on a river. I got my first standing O AND sold a few t-shirts. A woman with great tits and a splendid ass gave me a lap dance during the show. I ask a woman every show if she wants to give me one, (to prove she knows what one is), and they've always said no. This one said yes. The place went nuts.
After the show I gave her my card and invited her to a show in Syracuse. Her way-hotter friend snatched the card and said they'd definately be there. We'll see,....
So my qaundry is this- I've invited two women from Syracuse to the show, (I met them last time I was in town). I'm not sure if they know each other or not, as we hung out in a group. One is brunette, petite and cute. We'll call her Miss Syracuse. She said she might be going to to Saratoga for the weekend and isn't sure yet. The other is blonde and really pretty. She tried to sleep with me last time I was in town, (when I was married), and I didn't. We'll call her Miss North Syracuse. Either woman may or may not come to the show on Friday or Saturday. Miss North Syracuse asked if I wanted to invite Miss Syracuse. I told her I already did. she said, "I know". So they know each other. A tactical error on my part!
Joe and I spent saturday afternoon on my balcony smoking cigars. I had a Nat Sherman. Best cigar I've had in years. Joe had an Ashton torpedo.
My balcony wall is broken. If I get drunk and lean against it I'll fall 12 feet into the parking lot. I could use the lawsuit money. Joe and I jokingly discuss having him knock it down with me already in the parking lot, then I climb onto it, act hurt, collect the money and split it.

Stalin, (from the previous post), told me she and a friend will be at the Friday show. Clearly I want a shot at Miss Syracuse as she's the hottest AND came on to me once before, (I also heard she slept with another comic, one I find only fairly amusing. Sadly, I lose some respect for women if they sleep with shitty comedians. I'm a snob.
No matter what happens, Joe said he'd run "interference" as needed.
Turns out only Stalin showed up, with another Russian chick. We hung out after the show and they left abrubtly.
Later in my room blonde Miss North Syracuse texted me to say she couldn't make it but will definately be there tomorrow, alone.
SATURDAY
Joe and I spent most of the day smoking Mr. B cigars with one of the club owners. Maduros. they are really cheap and pretty good.We sat in the Sun and I got burned.
Both shows went great. Joe sets up my t-shirts for me when I'm on stage. What a doll!
Neither of the Miss Syracuses showed up. Nor did the lap dance girls. Apprently Joe ran "interference" too well. I got a few drunken texts from a woman I'll call Miss Albany and thats it. I'll see her soon- supposedly- on a gig in Cohoes, NY.
Joe and I drank straight vodka on my balcony and watched the rain fall. It was quite romantic but Joe and I aren't into dudes.

Sackets Harbor, NY- Tracker IV!

2009-04-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sackets Harbor, NY is almost in Canada. Its on lake Ontario and thus gets heaped with lake-effect snow from August thru June, and it gets colder here than in most places in the U.S. I can't believe we killed Indians for this land. We owe someone an apology.
There was a battle here during the boringly but aptly named War of 1812. The battlefield is tiny and could be easily searched by two men with a Tracker IV metal detector if it were't illegal. I am a man with a Tracker IV metal detector and my partner on this missionis Joe Bronzi. Men LOVE metal detectors. Sure, we laugh at the old guys on the beach scavenging for coins and pocket knives, but tell a man you're looking for musket balls and he'll dig you a copper mine.

Joe and I had breakfast at Tin Pan Alley. One of my two favorite breakfast places in the U.S. (I recommend the stuffed french toast. Joe had a groovy omelette, I fogot which one). We met a red-haired army woman that specializes in Hazmat removal, (like my act- hayo!). We asked her if she knew where we could take Tracker IV for some hunting and she suggested an old army base. The base has an earthen redoubt from 1812, a cemetary and old barracks. We went to the adjoining wood s and began to dig like gophers. Tracker IV got more beeps than a naked homelsess man in New York City traffic. It appears as though the army has been dumping stuff here for years. We found mostly nails in rotting wood. But the best find was a wooden wheel about the size of a frisbee, with metal spokes. we have no idea what it's from. i'm hoping its from a WWI ammo cart. More likely it's from the first Big Wheel.

We also found a buckle the size of a quarter, with a patent # on it.

We hung out after the shows and played a bowling game from the 50s or 60s, not sure. We seem to have broken it. If you or youre great-great grandfather can fix such a game, please contact me.

I met a Russian woman with huge cans and no front teeth whom I'll call Stalin. She hung out with us for a bit then left. She claims she is coming to see us in Syracuse next week but I doubt she will.

Winston-Salem, NC

2009-04-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

I got to town and had some drive-thru BBQ lunch deal- a burger, fries, corndog and a shake for $6.08 A deal. No wonder southerners are huge.
I ate my feast while doing laundry here in Winston-Salem. I'm now at the La Quinta hotel on Giffith Rd. The hotel offers free beer in 24 minutes. Allah akbar!!

(48 minutes later) Free beer AND wings!

I need to nap and work out before the 9:00 show. I'ts at a Buffalo Wild Wing Joint. Showbiz is GLAM!

I didn't nap or work out.

The show went well although I had to do verbal battle with young rednecks. I only had to do 40 min instead of the hour I thought. Thanks be to the baby-Jesus.

The drive home took 11 hours. I hit a storm and the expected traffic around DC. My ass hurts.

Charleston, WV

2009-04-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

I had last night off so I got a mom and pop motel room on the Kawhana river in Charleston, WV. I wanted a river-side view but that cost more and my rules state I can spend no more than $40 a night n a room. It would have been nice if Mr. Patel had given me a riverside room since it was Monday night and the place was deserted. Instead of getting this

I got

I had dinner and drinks at the Riverside Anchor Bar and Restaurant next door. This was exactly what I was looking for when I decided to take this roadtrip. The food was good and the drinks were cheap. One of the ladies working there started sneaking shots. I hung out with Evelyn the bartender
We took turns playing the juke box. She told me some of the girls that work here have habits but I'm thinking proper dental hygeine wasn't one of them. She showed me her "skinny" pictures- pics of her in her underwear taken who knows how many years ago.
And old cat that lives in the hotel I'm at named Luther came in, ate dinner and left. Evelyn went outside to have a smoke and said, "Make sure Luther dont steal tequila. I know he left but if he
sees me smoking he'll sneak in and swipe some." So, I sat at the bar and guarded the well tequila from a Luther raid which never materialized.
The Luther-free bar;
I went and made friends at local hillbilly bar called Halfway Home. If youve ever seen the news coverage of the wives of trapped West Virginia cola miners you'll notice they are all morbidly obese women, (perhaps the miners choose to trap themselves?). The gals in this bar were no different. I heard one of the babes refer to a nearby town as "Niggerville". I decided it was time to go outside to the fenced-in yard.
They had a campfire going outside. I started chatting with Billy and Dudley. Billy used to live in a van in the bar's parking lot. In a nearby shed they had an old hi-fi record player from the 70's on paint cans playing John Denver's West Virginia, Mountain Mama. Billy's daughter bought it, and a ton of records, for $20. I can't imagine a better night on this road-trip.
Billy and me;

Billy's new record player;

I owe Dudley a drink, (sorry Dudley, I forgot to buy you one. I am mailing money and a note to the bar today. You'll have a drink on my by Friday. I'm not kidding)
I woke up the next morning to see tugboats pushing barges up the river in the pouring rain.

Next stop; Winston-Salem, NC.

Columbus, OH

2009-04-13T07:11:00.001-07:00

As I was driving from Detroit to NYC I got an email for a comedy gig in Columbus, OH. I've been trying to work for this booker for several years, so this was a Godsend.
The gigs went swimmingly, even better actually. 7 shows in 5 days.

Not much excitement here, though I did learn the meaning of the word isolation. I spent the days alone and the nights in the club talking about hockey with a waiter. Saturday night a drunk chubby chick came up to me and told me 4 times she loves my hair, and how I'm "hotter" than her boyfriend, (who was in the showroom). On Sunday and obese woman kept telling her husband, "You got competition, son". If you dont count the chronic masturbation, this was the extent of the week's sexual activity.
I'm off to Winston-Salem, NC for a gig tomorrow. For some reason the name of this town makes me want to smoke. The night after that I'm in Meth-Lab, GA.
Not sure where I'll stay tonight. Probably a sleepy town in the sphincter of West Virginia.

Hockeytown, USA

2009-04-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

My dad and I LOVE to go to Red wings games. So I got some gigs near my hometown of Detroit, (J.J. Wlaker calls me the "last white comic out of Dee-troit".

Tues night I did a gig in a Masons lodge. I've always wanted to be a Mason because they are secretive and creepy. They help each other get ahead in life. Not so much in show biz though as thisindustry is controlled by the Chosen Ones.

The Masons at this gig were so old I thought I was performing for a Gettysburg reunion. They were very nice and even tried to recruit fellow comedian Tony Deyo and I. I'm still considering it...

My dad and I went to the Wings game after that and then I went to Port huron for gigs On friday the crowd kept sening HUGE shots of Jameson. I heard the next day I'd had 11. I can tell how drunk i was by how much clothing I wake up wearing. I woke up fully clothed and still wearing my boots. this is a bad sign. I'm always shcoked when I wake up after such a night. I wasn't even really all that hung over. If you dont count shittihng blood, I was virtually unaffected.

Glenville and Morgantown, WV

2009-03-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

The best feeling in the world thus far is getting into a car the morning after a one-nighter gig and leaving town with the opening riffs of Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" blaring through the speakers. I also recommend doing this while wearing a tight t-shirt and sunglasses. You'll feel sexy.
This is how I left Glenville, WV, the smallest town I've ever performed in. They have a tiny college here, maybe 800 students. 80 showed up for the gig- that's 10%. My buddy Jeff Oskay and I did the show then went to the town's two bars. He got hit on by a cope' chawin behemoth sporting a mullet, (not ironically). She showed him pictures of animals she'd shot, one of whom was a deer young enough to be Bambi's stand-in. We dodged this potential Penthouse Forum story and wet to a bar with normal humans. I thought it was a mile away so Oskay chose to drive it despite a few beers. turns out the bar was an easy walk. Really easy, like about 2 minutes.

We ate some damn fine biscuits and gravy the next morning. I know they were damn fine because Oskay is an aficionado on them and labelled them top-notch. I lack his expertise but found them delicious as well.
Next stop was Morgantown, WV. The college has 30,000 students and 22 showed up for the gig. The town has nothing to offer and was a bit of a downer. I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said, "I "HEART" fat bitches". A delicious t-shirt that offers effrontery on several levels. I thought about buying one but chose not to because fat bitches love me as it is and I don't need more attention from the BBWs. Truth be told, I kinda regret not buying it.

Pat and Georg

2009-03-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

My cross-country journey is in a 1991 Camry. It's cherry burgundy, had 116,000 miles on it when I bought for $800, has a new radiator, alternator, break lines, two tires and a new exhaust system. I put a stereo in to keep from going insane.
My mission- to drive from comedy gig to comedy gig across the U.S., only stay at mom and pop motels, only eat at mom and pop restaurants, and visit all the dive bars I can. I cant think of a better way to go through a divorce. My brother Pat and my friend and future ex-brother-in-law Georg are cheering me on.