Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Norfolk, CT Infinity theater
This was a pretty tasty gig. The theater had a green room with tasty food and bevs. WhileI was on stage a bunch of drunk CT redneck chicks were yelling nonsense. After the show one invited me to hang out with them. She even slid a drunken hand across my ass as I was chatting up her friend. I decided I'd prefer a ride back home than a shot an bumpkin-lovin'.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Oswego/Syracuse
On the way to the thur night gig in Oswego Joe and I stopped at a Wendy's to use the rest room and get a burger. As Joe was washing his hands I opened the bathroom door, saw there were people that could see us and yelled, "I AINT INTO DUDES" and stormed out. Thats was a pretty good joke. Joe and I ate lunch and planned when we cold use it on others.
Joe and I did the thur. night gig in an Econo-lodge on a river. I got my first standing O AND sold a few t-shirts. A woman with great tits and a splendid ass gave me a lap dance during the show. I ask a woman every show if she wants to give me one, (to prove she knows what one is), and they've always said no. This one said yes. The place went nuts.
After the show I gave her my card and invited her to a show in Syracuse. Her way-hotter friend snatched the card and said they'd definately be there. We'll see,....
So my qaundry is this- I've invited two women from Syracuse to the show, (I met them last time I was in town). I'm not sure if they know each other or not, as we hung out in a group. One is brunette, petite and cute. We'll call her Miss Syracuse. She said she might be going to to Saratoga for the weekend and isn't sure yet. The other is blonde and really pretty. She tried to sleep with me last time I was in town, (when I was married), and I didn't. We'll call her Miss North Syracuse. Either woman may or may not come to the show on Friday or Saturday. Miss North Syracuse asked if I wanted to invite Miss Syracuse. I told her I already did. she said, "I know". So they know each other. A tactical error on my part!
Joe and I spent saturday afternoon on my balcony smoking cigars. I had a Nat Sherman. Best cigar I've had in years. Joe had an Ashton torpedo.
My balcony wall is broken. If I get drunk and lean against it I'll fall 12 feet into the parking lot. I could use the lawsuit money. Joe and I jokingly discuss having him knock it down with me already in the parking lot, then I climb onto it, act hurt, collect the money and split it.
Stalin, (from the previous post), told me she and a friend will be at the Friday show. Clearly I want a shot at Miss Syracuse as she's the hottest AND came on to me once before, (I also heard she slept with another comic, one I find only fairly amusing. Sadly, I lose some respect for women if they sleep with shitty comedians. I'm a snob.
No matter what happens, Joe said he'd run "interference" as needed.
Turns out only Stalin showed up, with another Russian chick. We hung out after the show and they left abrubtly.
Later in my room blonde Miss North Syracuse texted me to say she couldn't make it but will definately be there tomorrow, alone.
SATURDAY
Joe and I spent most of the day smoking Mr. B cigars with one of the club owners. Maduros. they are really cheap and pretty good.We sat in the Sun and I got burned.
Both shows went great. Joe sets up my t-shirts for me when I'm on stage. What a doll!
Neither of the Miss Syracuses showed up. Nor did the lap dance girls. Apprently Joe ran "interference" too well. I got a few drunken texts from a woman I'll call Miss Albany and thats it. I'll see her soon- supposedly- on a gig in Cohoes, NY.
Joe and I drank straight vodka on my balcony and watched the rain fall. It was quite romantic but Joe and I aren't into dudes.
Joe and I did the thur. night gig in an Econo-lodge on a river. I got my first standing O AND sold a few t-shirts. A woman with great tits and a splendid ass gave me a lap dance during the show. I ask a woman every show if she wants to give me one, (to prove she knows what one is), and they've always said no. This one said yes. The place went nuts.
After the show I gave her my card and invited her to a show in Syracuse. Her way-hotter friend snatched the card and said they'd definately be there. We'll see,....
So my qaundry is this- I've invited two women from Syracuse to the show, (I met them last time I was in town). I'm not sure if they know each other or not, as we hung out in a group. One is brunette, petite and cute. We'll call her Miss Syracuse. She said she might be going to to Saratoga for the weekend and isn't sure yet. The other is blonde and really pretty. She tried to sleep with me last time I was in town, (when I was married), and I didn't. We'll call her Miss North Syracuse. Either woman may or may not come to the show on Friday or Saturday. Miss North Syracuse asked if I wanted to invite Miss Syracuse. I told her I already did. she said, "I know". So they know each other. A tactical error on my part!
Joe and I spent saturday afternoon on my balcony smoking cigars. I had a Nat Sherman. Best cigar I've had in years. Joe had an Ashton torpedo.
My balcony wall is broken. If I get drunk and lean against it I'll fall 12 feet into the parking lot. I could use the lawsuit money. Joe and I jokingly discuss having him knock it down with me already in the parking lot, then I climb onto it, act hurt, collect the money and split it.
Stalin, (from the previous post), told me she and a friend will be at the Friday show. Clearly I want a shot at Miss Syracuse as she's the hottest AND came on to me once before, (I also heard she slept with another comic, one I find only fairly amusing. Sadly, I lose some respect for women if they sleep with shitty comedians. I'm a snob.
No matter what happens, Joe said he'd run "interference" as needed.
Turns out only Stalin showed up, with another Russian chick. We hung out after the show and they left abrubtly.
Later in my room blonde Miss North Syracuse texted me to say she couldn't make it but will definately be there tomorrow, alone.
SATURDAY
Joe and I spent most of the day smoking Mr. B cigars with one of the club owners. Maduros. they are really cheap and pretty good.We sat in the Sun and I got burned.
Both shows went great. Joe sets up my t-shirts for me when I'm on stage. What a doll!
Neither of the Miss Syracuses showed up. Nor did the lap dance girls. Apprently Joe ran "interference" too well. I got a few drunken texts from a woman I'll call Miss Albany and thats it. I'll see her soon- supposedly- on a gig in Cohoes, NY.
Joe and I drank straight vodka on my balcony and watched the rain fall. It was quite romantic but Joe and I aren't into dudes.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sackets Harbor, NY- Tracker IV!
Sackets Harbor, NY is almost in Canada. Its on lake Ontario and thus gets heaped with lake-effect snow from August thru June, and it gets colder here than in most places in the U.S. I can't believe we killed Indians for this land. We owe someone an apology.
There was a battle here during the boringly but aptly named War of 1812. The battlefield is tiny and could be easily searched by two men with a Tracker IV metal detector if it were't illegal. I am a man with a Tracker IV metal detector and my partner on this missionis Joe Bronzi. Men LOVE metal detectors. Sure, we laugh at the old guys on the beach scavenging for coins and pocket knives, but tell a man you're looking for musket balls and he'll dig you a copper mine.
Joe and I had breakfast at Tin Pan Alley. One of my two favorite breakfast places in the U.S. (I recommend the stuffed french toast. Joe had a groovy omelette, I fogot which one). We met a red-haired army woman that specializes in Hazmat removal, (like my act- hayo!). We asked her if she knew where we could take Tracker IV for some hunting and she suggested an old army base. The base has an earthen redoubt from 1812, a cemetary and old barracks. We went to the adjoining wood s and began to dig like gophers. Tracker IV got more beeps than a naked homelsess man in New York City traffic. It appears as though the army has been dumping stuff here for years. We found mostly nails in rotting wood. But the best find was a wooden wheel about the size of a frisbee, with metal spokes. we have no idea what it's from. i'm hoping its from a WWI ammo cart. More likely it's from the first Big Wheel.
We also found a buckle the size of a quarter, with a patent # on it.
We hung out after the shows and played a bowling game from the 50s or 60s, not sure. We seem to have broken it. If you or youre great-great grandfather can fix such a game, please contact me.
I met a Russian woman with huge cans and no front teeth whom I'll call Stalin. She hung out with us for a bit then left. She claims she is coming to see us in Syracuse next week but I doubt she will.
There was a battle here during the boringly but aptly named War of 1812. The battlefield is tiny and could be easily searched by two men with a Tracker IV metal detector if it were't illegal. I am a man with a Tracker IV metal detector and my partner on this missionis Joe Bronzi. Men LOVE metal detectors. Sure, we laugh at the old guys on the beach scavenging for coins and pocket knives, but tell a man you're looking for musket balls and he'll dig you a copper mine.
Joe and I had breakfast at Tin Pan Alley. One of my two favorite breakfast places in the U.S. (I recommend the stuffed french toast. Joe had a groovy omelette, I fogot which one). We met a red-haired army woman that specializes in Hazmat removal, (like my act- hayo!). We asked her if she knew where we could take Tracker IV for some hunting and she suggested an old army base. The base has an earthen redoubt from 1812, a cemetary and old barracks. We went to the adjoining wood s and began to dig like gophers. Tracker IV got more beeps than a naked homelsess man in New York City traffic. It appears as though the army has been dumping stuff here for years. We found mostly nails in rotting wood. But the best find was a wooden wheel about the size of a frisbee, with metal spokes. we have no idea what it's from. i'm hoping its from a WWI ammo cart. More likely it's from the first Big Wheel.
We also found a buckle the size of a quarter, with a patent # on it.
We hung out after the shows and played a bowling game from the 50s or 60s, not sure. We seem to have broken it. If you or youre great-great grandfather can fix such a game, please contact me.
I met a Russian woman with huge cans and no front teeth whom I'll call Stalin. She hung out with us for a bit then left. She claims she is coming to see us in Syracuse next week but I doubt she will.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Winston-Salem, NC
I got to town and had some drive-thru BBQ lunch deal- a burger, fries, corndog and a shake for $6.08 A deal. No wonder southerners are huge.
I ate my feast while doing laundry here in Winston-Salem. I'm now at the La Quinta hotel on Giffith Rd. The hotel offers free beer in 24 minutes. Allah akbar!!
(48 minutes later) Free beer AND wings!
I need to nap and work out before the 9:00 show. I'ts at a Buffalo Wild Wing Joint. Showbiz is GLAM!
I didn't nap or work out.
The show went well although I had to do verbal battle with young rednecks. I only had to do 40 min instead of the hour I thought. Thanks be to the baby-Jesus.
The drive home took 11 hours. I hit a storm and the expected traffic around DC. My ass hurts.
I ate my feast while doing laundry here in Winston-Salem. I'm now at the La Quinta hotel on Giffith Rd. The hotel offers free beer in 24 minutes. Allah akbar!!
(48 minutes later) Free beer AND wings!
I need to nap and work out before the 9:00 show. I'ts at a Buffalo Wild Wing Joint. Showbiz is GLAM!
I didn't nap or work out.
The show went well although I had to do verbal battle with young rednecks. I only had to do 40 min instead of the hour I thought. Thanks be to the baby-Jesus.
The drive home took 11 hours. I hit a storm and the expected traffic around DC. My ass hurts.
Charleston, WV
I had last night off so I got a mom and pop motel room on the Kawhana river in Charleston, WV. I wanted a river-side view but that cost more and my rules state I can spend no more than $40 a night n a room. It would have been nice if Mr. Patel had given me a riverside room since it was Monday night and the place was deserted. Instead of getting this 
I got
I had dinner and drinks at the Riverside Anchor Bar and Restaurant next door. This was exactly what I was looking for when I decided to take this roadtrip. The food was good and the drinks were cheap. One of the ladies working there started sneaking shots. I hung out with Evelyn the bartender
We took turns playing the juke box. She told me some of the girls that work here have habits but I'm thinking proper dental hygeine wasn't one of them. She showed me her "skinny" pictures- pics of her in her underwear taken who knows how many years ago.
And old cat that lives in the hotel I'm at named Luther came in, ate dinner and left. Evelyn went outside to have a smoke and said, "Make sure Luther dont steal tequila. I know he left but if he
sees me smoking he'll sneak in and swipe some." So, I sat at the bar and guarded the well tequila from a Luther raid which never materialized.
The Luther-free bar;
I went and made friends at local hillbilly bar called Halfway Home. If youve ever seen the news coverage of the wives of trapped West Virginia cola miners you'll notice they are all morbidly obese women, (perhaps the miners choose to trap themselves?). The gals in this bar were no different. I heard one of the babes refer to a nearby town as "Niggerville". I decided it was time to go outside to the fenced-in yard.
They had a campfire going outside. I started chatting with Billy and Dudley. Billy used to live in a van in the bar's parking lot. In a nearby shed they had an old hi-fi record player from the 70's on paint cans playing John Denver's West Virginia, Mountain Mama. Billy's daughter bought it, and a ton of records, for $20. I can't imagine a better night on this road-trip.
Billy and me;
Billy's new record player;
I owe Dudley a drink, (sorry Dudley, I forgot to buy you one. I am mailing money and a note to the bar today. You'll have a drink on my by Friday. I'm not kidding)
I woke up the next morning to see tugboats pushing barges up the river in the pouring rain.
Next stop; Winston-Salem, NC.
I got
I had dinner and drinks at the Riverside Anchor Bar and Restaurant next door. This was exactly what I was looking for when I decided to take this roadtrip. The food was good and the drinks were cheap. One of the ladies working there started sneaking shots. I hung out with Evelyn the bartender
We took turns playing the juke box. She told me some of the girls that work here have habits but I'm thinking proper dental hygeine wasn't one of them. She showed me her "skinny" pictures- pics of her in her underwear taken who knows how many years ago.
And old cat that lives in the hotel I'm at named Luther came in, ate dinner and left. Evelyn went outside to have a smoke and said, "Make sure Luther dont steal tequila. I know he left but if he
sees me smoking he'll sneak in and swipe some." So, I sat at the bar and guarded the well tequila from a Luther raid which never materialized.
The Luther-free bar;
I went and made friends at local hillbilly bar called Halfway Home. If youve ever seen the news coverage of the wives of trapped West Virginia cola miners you'll notice they are all morbidly obese women, (perhaps the miners choose to trap themselves?). The gals in this bar were no different. I heard one of the babes refer to a nearby town as "Niggerville". I decided it was time to go outside to the fenced-in yard.
They had a campfire going outside. I started chatting with Billy and Dudley. Billy used to live in a van in the bar's parking lot. In a nearby shed they had an old hi-fi record player from the 70's on paint cans playing John Denver's West Virginia, Mountain Mama. Billy's daughter bought it, and a ton of records, for $20. I can't imagine a better night on this road-trip.
Billy and me;
Billy's new record player;
I owe Dudley a drink, (sorry Dudley, I forgot to buy you one. I am mailing money and a note to the bar today. You'll have a drink on my by Friday. I'm not kidding)
I woke up the next morning to see tugboats pushing barges up the river in the pouring rain.
Next stop; Winston-Salem, NC.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Columbus, OH
As I was driving from Detroit to NYC I got an email for a comedy gig in Columbus, OH. I've been trying to work for this booker for several years, so this was a Godsend.
The gigs went swimmingly, even better actually. 7 shows in 5 days.
Not much excitement here, though I did learn the meaning of the word isolation. I spent the days alone and the nights in the club talking about hockey with a waiter. Saturday night a drunk chubby chick came up to me and told me 4 times she loves my hair, and how I'm "hotter" than her boyfriend, (who was in the showroom). On Sunday and obese woman kept telling her husband, "You got competition, son". If you dont count the chronic masturbation, this was the extent of the week's sexual activity.
I'm off to Winston-Salem, NC for a gig tomorrow. For some reason the name of this town makes me want to smoke. The night after that I'm in Meth-Lab, GA.
Not sure where I'll stay tonight. Probably a sleepy town in the sphincter of West Virginia.
The gigs went swimmingly, even better actually. 7 shows in 5 days.
Not much excitement here, though I did learn the meaning of the word isolation. I spent the days alone and the nights in the club talking about hockey with a waiter. Saturday night a drunk chubby chick came up to me and told me 4 times she loves my hair, and how I'm "hotter" than her boyfriend, (who was in the showroom). On Sunday and obese woman kept telling her husband, "You got competition, son". If you dont count the chronic masturbation, this was the extent of the week's sexual activity.
I'm off to Winston-Salem, NC for a gig tomorrow. For some reason the name of this town makes me want to smoke. The night after that I'm in Meth-Lab, GA.
Not sure where I'll stay tonight. Probably a sleepy town in the sphincter of West Virginia.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Hockeytown, USA
My dad and I LOVE to go to Red wings games. So I got some gigs near my hometown of Detroit, (J.J. Wlaker calls me the "last white comic out of Dee-troit".
Tues night I did a gig in a Masons lodge. I've always wanted to be a Mason because they are secretive and creepy. They help each other get ahead in life. Not so much in show biz though as thisindustry is controlled by the Chosen Ones.
The Masons at this gig were so old I thought I was performing for a Gettysburg reunion. They were very nice and even tried to recruit fellow comedian Tony Deyo and I. I'm still considering it...
My dad and I went to the Wings game after that and then I went to Port huron for gigs On friday the crowd kept sening HUGE shots of Jameson. I heard the next day I'd had 11. I can tell how drunk i was by how much clothing I wake up wearing. I woke up fully clothed and still wearing my boots. this is a bad sign. I'm always shcoked when I wake up after such a night. I wasn't even really all that hung over. If you dont count shittihng blood, I was virtually unaffected.
Tues night I did a gig in a Masons lodge. I've always wanted to be a Mason because they are secretive and creepy. They help each other get ahead in life. Not so much in show biz though as thisindustry is controlled by the Chosen Ones.
The Masons at this gig were so old I thought I was performing for a Gettysburg reunion. They were very nice and even tried to recruit fellow comedian Tony Deyo and I. I'm still considering it...
My dad and I went to the Wings game after that and then I went to Port huron for gigs On friday the crowd kept sening HUGE shots of Jameson. I heard the next day I'd had 11. I can tell how drunk i was by how much clothing I wake up wearing. I woke up fully clothed and still wearing my boots. this is a bad sign. I'm always shcoked when I wake up after such a night. I wasn't even really all that hung over. If you dont count shittihng blood, I was virtually unaffected.
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